Can't help but think of him while he's out having fun and miss him extra today. I'm a little tired so I just want to relax alone. My guy tends to worry when I am always tired and don't feel so well. He tells me "Babe, you need to work out." I have to admit it kind of sucks when your boyfriend tells you this, especially when you always have your 17-year-old brother pointing out your weight gain over the last 5 years every chance he gets. But, I know he cares and he just wants me to be healthier. It makes sense. If I took better care of myself and used my time more wisely, I wouldn't feel mentally and physically drained all the time. I know I could give us a lot more attention if I had the energy and we could grow to be a stronger couple. He wants me to be better and I want to be better too. For me, for him and for us.
My guy and I are quite opposites. He is used to having a set schedule everyday with work and every week my schedule changes plus I travel a lot. He is very realistic while I am much more idealistic. He loves to be active by working out and playing tennis but me, well, not so much. It's not that I don't want to be but often when I am so busy, taking up a sport or activity gets put on the back burner. I swear I have a list of things that I want to try and learn. I really wish that I had more time to be able to try ballroom dancing, learn golf and tennis, or commit to weekly yoga classes. I just have so much on my plate and mind, as usual. I long for that balance in my life.
I have always been that type of person that carries the burden of responsibility heavy upon her shoulders and my Achilles' heel is that I just can't say no because I don't want to disappoint people. It's not that I don't know my priorities but I just spread myself too thin. It sounds selfish but can't I just do me for a little while? But I feel like I'm not very good at motivating myself and often when I get a lot done it's because I have to do it for someone else and I can't let them down. That's why I'm always the last on the list. And when I get to me, I just don't have the energy to care anymore. Tragic flaw.
Every night he tells me he's going to play tennis and part of me wishes I played too so we could play together. I remember not having anything to do this summer and sitting on the phone watching the US Open with my guy thinking how I envy those who commit to being the best. One day, I will figure this all out. I just need to focus. Keep my eyes on the things I want for myself and I will find happiness in knowing that it will make me better.
Finding inspiration is what keeps me going.
You've reminded me to find that inspiration within myself.
