What makes you happy?

Since when was I the girl who didn't know what she wanted? I've never been the kind of person to hesitate. I know what will make me happy and I go with my gut. Is it possible to be scared of wanting something? I want to leave here. I want stability. I want routine. I want comfort. I want to settle somewhere and make a home for myself. I want to keep the people I love close to me.

I woke up this morning with a mini panic attack happening all in my head. I keep trying to think of the things I need to do and all I can feel is my blood pressure. I make a poor attempt to keep my cool and tell myself to take it one step and one day at a time. But nothing really ever gets done because I don't know where to start. I'm afraid that I'll take a few steps and that it will change everything. The indecisive Libra in me comes out in full force. I can't even make decisions to go anywhere because I don't know where I'll be during that time. Obviously, I'm here living at home but I guess I'm hoping I'll be somewhere else by then. The countless number of hours sitting here weighing out the pros and cons for each possibility end only in vain.

I keep music playing constantly in hopes that I won't hear myself and become overwhelmed. It's as if I have too many options and somehow I'm supposed to know what to choose for myself. One would think they are lucky to have as many options as me but I almost feel that it's what is holding me back. I could go to the West Coast and try something totally different or move to Florida to be there for my brother. I could go back to France and become more fluent. Then there's always staying home and saving money. I could take a job just to have a job or I can just part time or temp in the mean time until I find what's right. I don't want to choose something and look back later on thinking that I made the wrong choice. And yet, I know I don't want to spend my time overthinking and just wasting my chance to be doing something with myself. I want to be that girl who knew what made her happy and went with her gut.

Photo by {belle}.

There are nights that I can't sleep because my thoughts are so loud. I just want to close my eyes and I hope that when I open them again, things will be so much clearer to me. As if my patience is supposed to somehow bring me an answer. I have this dreadful feeling deep inside me knowing that what is supposed to happen is that I'm supposed to make the choice. The choice that will dictate how everything else falls into place. To be honest, I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet, to see how the rest of my life will unfold.


Blog posts are so much better with pictures, aren't they?


Just leave with me now, say the word and we'll go... - Jason DeRulo